Remember sex education in grade school? They would separate the boys and girls and then start showing you terrifying movies and bewildering diagrams of what your private parts should look like and how sex worked? Meanwhile your teacher would be in the corner grading your artistic renderings of an amoeba.
That was awkward.
Anyway, I distinctly remember that they said that boys have two major growth periods. One in adolescence and another in their early 20’s. After I had hit puberty, I was holding out hope that when I hit that second growth spurt certain … areas … would grow as well. I hoped that those … areas … would grow by leaps and bounds.
I’m 30. It still hasn’t happened. And I’m just starting to think that maybe it won’t …
In keeping with that theme of self discovery and yesterday’s soul baring, I have more to share with you.
One of those areas where I know I’m deficient is that I can, maybe, possibly, at times be a bit of a jerk towards women. And thus my new years resolution is to be nicer. To women. Everyone else, I’ll continue to be a bit of an douche.
Part of it is that I definitely feels like I need to push and push to see just how much she likes me. If I can make her cry, part of that is validation that she likes me. Yes, I know that sounds awful. And I feel awful about it. I’m working on it. What do you want?
Also, I have problems respecting a woman who wants to be with me. Which is a result of my low self esteem. And leads me to excessively and inappropriately use the italicize button.
Outwardly, I am confident. Inwardly, I’m a mess of self pity, self doubt and far, far too many McDoubles.
So most mornings I look in the mirror and tell myself that I am Jesse Freaking Johnson. Or Jeezy Brown. Or sometimes I’m Captain Kirk. And I freaking rock. And if you if you do that long enough, you’ll find that your self esteem builds and builds.
But deep down there’s that self loathing that spills out and turns me into a misogynist. While I do want to meet someone, get married and have babies, my actual day to day interactions might suggest otherwise. But that’s only because I obviously have abandonment issues.
As I mentioned yesterday, I can appear to be completely devoid of soul or feeling. Much like a Kardashian wedding.
Maybe it’s not as bad as I’m making it out to be. I can sweet, nice and tender with a girl. I can fall in love. But I can also lose interest quickly.
For any girl out there who has dated me … I want to tell you that for whatever reason we stopped dating … it was probably you.
But in the off-chance that you’re absolutely convinced that it wasn't you … be assured that it was me. And I’m sorry.
Not really sure how to fix my problem other than to try harder. Do you recognize some major social failing that you have? Like the inability to name all the members of Rolling Stone during trivia night? Feel free to add your comments below.
Meanwhile I’m going to go measure … myself … again and see if I've hit that growth spurt yet ...